1.23.2012

Divorce

I never thought I'd be immune to it...until I met my husband. Soulmates, completely in love with each other, best friends. I cannot begin to explain in words the love I had for Dan. Pure bliss. Dan was always on my side. I grieve that feeling every day of my life.

I react to people's inquiries about my divorce in the same way I react to the inquiries of my brother's death. When I'm feeling brave and honest, I just come out and say it: my ex-husband is gay and my brother committed suicide. You don't have to ask the questions that are in your mind. I have the same questions. And like you, I don't have the answers. Didn't you know? Did you notice in your intimate life? Was your brother depressed? He seemed so together, why did he do it? The answers are always the same: no and I don't know. The answers will never change...although I don't mind people asking like I used to when I would be embarrassed to answer. These days I don't have the energy to be embarrassed and I refuse to taint my wonderful memories by being embarrassed.

I truly don't believe love like the love I had with Dan exists for me in the future. It's impossible. It's not that I'm cynical or a nonbeliever (which often times I am). It's just that I know I will never be in that place in my life again...so much hope, such delight in becoming myself with someone I love at my side, loving so much it hurt. Dan will always be my soulmate. There may be another, there may not. If there's one thing I know, it's that you have no idea what your future holds.

Long live all the mountains we moved. 
I have the time of my life fighting dragons with you. 
~ Taylor Swift (couldn't resist)


9 comments:

  1. Love your honesty, Jackie. Hugs.

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    1. Thx, H Lo. And I LOVE your brightness (I know there's a better word, but I can't think of it right now). xoxo

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  2. Heavy. Sending loving thoughts your way.

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    1. Well, you know me when I get sick. I get heavy about stuff. Hee hee. Love you, Please don't leave me.

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  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  4. (I can't leave a successful reply, I think.)

    Love your honesty and courage to write this. You are a beautiful soul, Jacks. I think soulmates are a beautiful thing, and not just limited to the opposite sex. I can think of a few more you have: me, Ames, Jen, Schwends, Brenia. Golden Girls, baby. Love you.

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