#MPOTUS

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"Mommy, do I know your Mommy?"

That was Audrey's last question before bed tonight. I was so happy when she asked me. I told her that she doesn't know my mommy, which is her grandma. "I have two grandmas?" I said yes, but my mommy died so you don't see her. Here's the rest of the conversation:

A: Did she have black or blond hair?

ME: She had black hair. You get your blonde hair from Gran-E (Dan's mom).

A: What was her name?

ME: Jill. I have a picture of her.

A: Can I see?

ME: Yes. (Then I went got a picture of me and mom right before she died when I was 19; Audrey was able to recognize me. I also showed her a picture of mom and Grandpa.)

A: Grandpa!

ME: Yes, Grandpa is my daddy. And she (pointing to picture) was my mommy. GranE is Daddy's mommy.

A: Tell me more about her.

ME: She as very funny and silly, like us. She was a teacher just like Dawn and Michiru (Audrey's teachers). She was very smart and loved to read before bed every night. She loved to play cards. In fact, she taught me "Slap Jack" (which I incidentally taught Audrey about an hour before).

A: Tell me more.

ME: We liked to sit in her room and watch a funny show called "Love Connection" together. It was about a man and woman going on a date and then telling everyone about it. Sometime they fell in love and other times they couldn't stand each other. Mom and I laughed at it so much. Also, the host would also say, "We'll be back in 2-and-2" right before a commercial. (I showed her how he held up two fingers and flip flopped them.) My mom and I used to say "I'll be back in 2-and-2" all the time to each other. Sometimes she'd ask me to get her some ice tea and I'd say, "Sure, I'll be back in 2-and-2."

A. Tell me more.

ME: You know how you sometimes call for me at night? Well, I did the same thing, but when I was older (teens) and I needed her I'd go into her room and try to wake her up by whispering, "mom." I'd get slightly louder each time, but without fail, she always screamed when she woke up. I startled her. It was so funny, but also kind of scary.

A: Tell me more.

ME: She had four siblings- three sisters and one brother. All of their names start with a "J." Jill, Jane, Judy, Jaki, and Jerry.

A: All Js! That's funny!

The lights were out during the whole conversation and I was tearing up the entire time. What a moment.

Hey you, out there, I am thinking about you...

It's been a rough two weeks. When my kiddo gets sick, it becomes a two-week ordeal. She's sick for several days, then I am sick for several days, and then it takes several days to get back on schedule (this includes tantrums galore from her and total apathy from me). The worst part about it is feeling so alone in all of it. I have amazing friends and family, but the kind of help I need in these situations is beyond a two-hour reprieve. It's hard to explain. I know tons and tons of other single parents that can handle this flawlessly, but it knocks me down every time. So, I might move to NOLA...but that's a story for another day.

As I was/am wallowing in my despair, I was reminded of a good friend of mine who truly has it rough. I can't imagine how alone he feels at times. Those times when everyone is working on their own lives. Sometimes you need someone to reach out to you, but without there being a reason. Like, out of nowhere, you know? I'm thinking of you...and there is no "event" that is making me think of you. It's just a random afternoon at work and I am thinking of you. And loving you. And praying for you.

Props to Louis Vuitton

This is so amazing. Louis Vuitton is using Larissa Latynina in their new print advertisement. She was a gymnast for the Soviet Union in the 1950s-60s, and she won 18 Olympic medals. Michael Phelps beat her "most Olympic medals won" record last week. Latynina wanted to present Phelps with his 19th medal (the one that made him surpass her), but the International Olympic Committee wouldn't have it...which is beyond lame. Glad to see she's being honored regardless. 

Also featured last in this lovely video tribute of the top ten most successful Soviet gymnasts of all time.

Aurora

"Those killed in Aurora represent less than half a day's quota of annual gun deaths in the US. Today is the rule, disguised as the exception." - Mark Harris, saying it like it is.

Thoughts and Prayers Today

For Seja, who is in surgery now (non life threatening).
For Max, who just got out of surgery (non life threatening). It went well.
For Chad, for his second chemo treatment (of the summer- not ever, unfortunately).

Divorce

I never thought I'd be immune to it...until I met my husband. Soulmates, completely in love with each other, best friends. I cannot begin to explain in words the love I had for Dan. Pure bliss. Dan was always on my side. I grieve that feeling every day of my life.

I react to people's inquiries about my divorce in the same way I react to the inquiries of my brother's death. When I'm feeling brave and honest, I just come out and say it: my ex-husband is gay and my brother committed suicide. You don't have to ask the questions that are in your mind. I have the same questions. And like you, I don't have the answers. Didn't you know? Did you notice in your intimate life? Was your brother depressed? He seemed so together, why did he do it? The answers are always the same: no and I don't know. The answers will never change...although I don't mind people asking like I used to when I would be embarrassed to answer. These days I don't have the energy to be embarrassed and I refuse to taint my wonderful memories by being embarrassed.

I truly don't believe love like the love I had with Dan exists for me in the future. It's impossible. It's not that I'm cynical or a nonbeliever (which often times I am). It's just that I know I will never be in that place in my life again...so much hope, such delight in becoming myself with someone I love at my side, loving so much it hurt. Dan will always be my soulmate. There may be another, there may not. If there's one thing I know, it's that you have no idea what your future holds.

In loving memory...

Of my older brother, Jeff. He passed away in 1991, here in Bloomington. A few memories for today (1/6), which would be his 40th birthday:

1. I remember girls from his high school trying to get information about him from me....Does he like someone? What his favorite band? Lots of girls crushing on him.

2. Regarding #1, I do remember Jeff loved U2, REM, the Sex Pistols, and The Smiths.

3. Jeff was super smart (valedictorian) and super athletic (state champion runner and a triathlete), but he taught us that these traits pale by comparison to personality and character.

4. Once I complained to my mom about Jeff and Lisa (sis) being so smart (A+ students / me - B+ student). My mom said, "that's ok, Jackie...you're very social and that's just as important." Then she and I laughed.

5. He was a maniac on the trampoline.

6. I was mad at him once and I wanted to call him a mean name. I called him "jerky juroo" (sp??). The mean name stuck, but mainly as a joke to make fun of me.

7. The last time I saw Jeff was when he and Lisa came to Indianapolis for the last night of the 1991 World Gymnastics Championships. Mom and I had gone for the whole week and they came up from Bloomington. Best week of my life for so many reasons.

8. He and Lisa took Seja and me to see "Truth or Dare." It was a late show, and Seja and I both fell asleep.

9. He used to refer to the bump in the road between our neighborhood and the adjacent neighborhood as "the $100,000 bump." $300,000 was more like it though :).

10. He and Lisa "saved" me from falling into a 15-foot hole when we went sledding.

Many people wonder what Jeff would be doing today with all of his talents. I don't. I don't care. I just want his presence.

pointless / unnecessary tidbit about dresses

I was wasn't really a "girly girl" when I was a child, but I had my phases. One phase was when I lived in Salt Lake City and the neighbor girls did beauty pageants. I begged my mom to let me do them too, but she wouldn't let me (thankfully). I dreamed of wearing a drop-waist dress and ballet flats like Pollyanna wore. Unfortunately, I couldn't find a full-length photo, but this is the gist:

Audrey loves to wear dresses. I would love to buy her the below drop-waist dresses. They are too cute. However, they are $$$ and there is no way I'm spending more than $10 on a dress for a three-year-old.

ps Something about the term "girly-girl" rubs me the wrong way. What does it even mean? What makes a girl girly? I looked it up here. Interesting.

Much love to everyone!

Thinking of Mama Today

Thoughts and Prayers

My thoughts and prayers go to my dear friend Chad and his family. Chad is about to kick some cancer ass in surgery today. Chad has been my good friend for over 20 years, and we have supported each other through many losses in life. If there's one thing that's unfair in life, it's that Chad has to deal with this right now. BUT...there isn't anyone tougher out there and he'll be good as new before we know it.

South Bend Tribune article