"Mommy, do I know your Mommy?"

That was Audrey's last question before bed tonight. I was so happy when she asked me. I told her that she doesn't know my mommy, which is her grandma. "I have two grandmas?" I said yes, but my mommy died so you don't see her. Here's the rest of the conversation:

A: Did she have black or blond hair?

ME: She had black hair. You get your blonde hair from Gran-E (Dan's mom).

A: What was her name?

ME: Jill. I have a picture of her.

A: Can I see?

ME: Yes. (Then I went got a picture of me and mom right before she died when I was 19; Audrey was able to recognize me. I also showed her a picture of mom and Grandpa.)

A: Grandpa!

ME: Yes, Grandpa is my daddy. And she (pointing to picture) was my mommy. GranE is Daddy's mommy.

A: Tell me more about her.

ME: She as very funny and silly, like us. She was a teacher just like Dawn and Michiru (Audrey's teachers). She was very smart and loved to read before bed every night. She loved to play cards. In fact, she taught me "Slap Jack" (which I incidentally taught Audrey about an hour before).

A: Tell me more.

ME: We liked to sit in her room and watch a funny show called "Love Connection" together. It was about a man and woman going on a date and then telling everyone about it. Sometime they fell in love and other times they couldn't stand each other. Mom and I laughed at it so much. Also, the host would also say, "We'll be back in 2-and-2" right before a commercial. (I showed her how he held up two fingers and flip flopped them.) My mom and I used to say "I'll be back in 2-and-2" all the time to each other. Sometimes she'd ask me to get her some ice tea and I'd say, "Sure, I'll be back in 2-and-2."

A. Tell me more.

ME: You know how you sometimes call for me at night? Well, I did the same thing, but when I was older (teens) and I needed her I'd go into her room and try to wake her up by whispering, "mom." I'd get slightly louder each time, but without fail, she always screamed when she woke up. I startled her. It was so funny, but also kind of scary.

A: Tell me more.

ME: She had four siblings- three sisters and one brother. All of their names start with a "J." Jill, Jane, Judy, Jaki, and Jerry.

A: All Js! That's funny!

The lights were out during the whole conversation and I was tearing up the entire time. What a moment.

Not moving to NOLA, but definitely moving on

So, I have successfully survived my October breakdown. In hindsight, it wasn't really that bad. It never is. Just a few bad days. But during...it was horrible. There are times when the demands of single motherhood (without close family around) just push me from the positive to the negative side of my bi-polar disorder. It's generally a 98%/2% situation, but that 2% can be pretty heavy. I can't help but wonder what life would be like with my mother around. I mean, she was a early childhood education EXPERT. For reals.

I saw my therapist last week. I only see her about twice a year. I tend to call her when things get rough, but her schedule is so tight that I usually don't get in for two weeks. By then, I am pretty well through the rough patch and back on track. She said something interesting to me though...she said these twice-a-year bouts (is that spelled right?) of depression usually lead to a fairly transformative life experience for me. Interesting.

Holla to my friends and family once again. Man, I seriously don't know how I got so lucky. My dad, sis, and group of girlfriends immediately rally and help me get back on track. They offer to babysit, bring food, etc. Thank you, my amazing friends. I love you more than I could ever say.

One last thing...I ALMOST survived this election cycle without talking politics with anyone. I avoided regular TV and social media during this election cycle because it just gets me upset. I did end of having a rather civilized exchange with my conservative BFF. I think it's safe to say we're never going to think the same way politically, but we do on so many other levels. I love you, girl. You're wrong, but I love you. Haha.

YAY for Obama!

Much love!

Audrey - Year 4 - The Movie

Not my best effort, but fun nonetheless!

Click here to see Years 1, 2, and 3

Two photos guaranteed to make you smile..

My friend Sarah and her two sisters....as kids and then again as adults.

Audrey sillies

Blogged, so I remember them.

Today:

She announced she needed to use the restroom during dinner and asked to be excused. When I said yes, she asked me to "save her place." I did. (There are only two of us).

Audrey just put her toy phone (the old school one that you can drag- pictured below) in timeout for being too loud. They are very loud.

My Girls

Had such a lovely time with these girls last weekend (we missed you, Jen!). I am going to scan some of the girls' weekends photos from when we first started getting together. We look like babies. Chubby cheeks and all :).

Thoughts and Prayers Today

For Seja, who is in surgery now (non life threatening).
For Max, who just got out of surgery (non life threatening). It went well.
For Chad, for his second chemo treatment (of the summer- not ever, unfortunately).

Why me?

Seriously, why am I so lucky? This is what happened to me over the weekend:

1. My sis and bro-in-law treated Audrey and me to a night at the Great Wolf Lodge in Ohio. It is a hotel with an awesome water park. They then babysat Audrey overnight on Saturday so I could have a girls' night with my BFFs (sans Jen, unfortunately) on Saturday in Indy.
2. While I was in Ohio, Seja and Joe came into my house (they have a key) and painted my living room, dining room, and hallway while I was away. Yes, you read that right. Too amazing for words. And, it looks awesome.
3. Wendy and Alex treated us to a night at the new JW Marriott in Indy for girls' night.

Emma and Audrey getting ready to swim:

Audrey with a character from the Great Wolf Lodge:

Taking a break...

Taking a blog break for the next week...headed to New Orleans to visit daddy (hers, not mine)!

We're taking Audrey to the Barkus Mardi Gras parade. How cute! And we are going to eat a whole king cake by ourselves.

I'm not going to jump in front of a bus after all.

Forty-eight hours ago, I was about ready to throw myself in front of a bus. I was sick and my little one was being what can only be described as a brat. I was at a lost. What am I doing wrong? I discipline her. She does timeout. All that stuff. But I forgot. I forgot that just when you're preparing to jump in front of that bus, things miraculously do a 180. I told Audrey we needed to take a bath, which lately has been the equivalent of getting shots in her mind. Out of nowhere, she replied, "Ok, Mommy, I understand." That was followed by these:

1. While playing animal bingo last night she said, "good job, Mommy," when I won rather than Ahhhh and Noooo and Waaaa. P.S. this isn't a game you can let someone win, because I totally would have done that for my own sanity.

2. During the same game, she said, "Mommy, I like your stripes (on my shirt). And your lips." Huh???

3. This morning on the way to school, she politely asked (may I please!!!) for her favorite song, "The Snow," which is otherwise known as Coldplay's "Paradise." Out of nowhere, she says, "here's the piano." She said it when the piano kicked in!!! What??? That's not so much behavioral, but it impressed me.

4. A few minutes ago, after dinner, she asked, "may I please be excused?" Umm, yeah. And here's a bag of candy bars.

She's been a totally different child. And, in addition...

1. Today the doctor confirmed I am not dying after all.

2. I got an amazing phone call from an amazing best friend about an amazing possible opportunity.

Just remember, just when you think you're about to lose it, your 180 is probably right around the corner.

Divorce

I never thought I'd be immune to it...until I met my husband. Soulmates, completely in love with each other, best friends. I cannot begin to explain in words the love I had for Dan. Pure bliss. Dan was always on my side. I grieve that feeling every day of my life.

I react to people's inquiries about my divorce in the same way I react to the inquiries of my brother's death. When I'm feeling brave and honest, I just come out and say it: my ex-husband is gay and my brother committed suicide. You don't have to ask the questions that are in your mind. I have the same questions. And like you, I don't have the answers. Didn't you know? Did you notice in your intimate life? Was your brother depressed? He seemed so together, why did he do it? The answers are always the same: no and I don't know. The answers will never change...although I don't mind people asking like I used to when I would be embarrassed to answer. These days I don't have the energy to be embarrassed and I refuse to taint my wonderful memories by being embarrassed.

I truly don't believe love like the love I had with Dan exists for me in the future. It's impossible. It's not that I'm cynical or a nonbeliever (which often times I am). It's just that I know I will never be in that place in my life again...so much hope, such delight in becoming myself with someone I love at my side, loving so much it hurt. Dan will always be my soulmate. There may be another, there may not. If there's one thing I know, it's that you have no idea what your future holds.

In loving memory...

Of my older brother, Jeff. He passed away in 1991, here in Bloomington. A few memories for today (1/6), which would be his 40th birthday:

1. I remember girls from his high school trying to get information about him from me....Does he like someone? What his favorite band? Lots of girls crushing on him.

2. Regarding #1, I do remember Jeff loved U2, REM, the Sex Pistols, and The Smiths.

3. Jeff was super smart (valedictorian) and super athletic (state champion runner and a triathlete), but he taught us that these traits pale by comparison to personality and character.

4. Once I complained to my mom about Jeff and Lisa (sis) being so smart (A+ students / me - B+ student). My mom said, "that's ok, Jackie...you're very social and that's just as important." Then she and I laughed.

5. He was a maniac on the trampoline.

6. I was mad at him once and I wanted to call him a mean name. I called him "jerky juroo" (sp??). The mean name stuck, but mainly as a joke to make fun of me.

7. The last time I saw Jeff was when he and Lisa came to Indianapolis for the last night of the 1991 World Gymnastics Championships. Mom and I had gone for the whole week and they came up from Bloomington. Best week of my life for so many reasons.

8. He and Lisa took Seja and me to see "Truth or Dare." It was a late show, and Seja and I both fell asleep.

9. He used to refer to the bump in the road between our neighborhood and the adjacent neighborhood as "the $100,000 bump." $300,000 was more like it though :).

10. He and Lisa "saved" me from falling into a 15-foot hole when we went sledding.

Many people wonder what Jeff would be doing today with all of his talents. I don't. I don't care. I just want his presence.

pointless / unnecessary tidbit about dresses

I was wasn't really a "girly girl" when I was a child, but I had my phases. One phase was when I lived in Salt Lake City and the neighbor girls did beauty pageants. I begged my mom to let me do them too, but she wouldn't let me (thankfully). I dreamed of wearing a drop-waist dress and ballet flats like Pollyanna wore. Unfortunately, I couldn't find a full-length photo, but this is the gist:

Audrey loves to wear dresses. I would love to buy her the below drop-waist dresses. They are too cute. However, they are $$$ and there is no way I'm spending more than $10 on a dress for a three-year-old.

ps Something about the term "girly-girl" rubs me the wrong way. What does it even mean? What makes a girl girly? I looked it up here. Interesting.

Audrey - The Movie Trilogy

Year One

Year Two

Year Three

Much love to everyone!

Life truly began...

I have a horrible memory, so I need to write random things I want to remember on my blog.

My dad:

"Life truly began when we had you kids"

"Your mother could have headed a fortune 500 company and have every employee like her"