That was Audrey's last question before bed tonight. I was so happy when she asked me. I told her that she doesn't know my mommy, which is her grandma. "I have two grandmas?" I said yes, but my mommy died so you don't see her. Here's the rest of the conversation:
A: Did she have black or blond hair?
ME: She had black hair. You get your blonde hair from Gran-E (Dan's mom).
A: What was her name?
ME: Jill. I have a picture of her.
A: Can I see?
ME: Yes. (Then I went got a picture of me and mom right before she died when I was 19; Audrey was able to recognize me. I also showed her a picture of mom and Grandpa.)
A: Grandpa!
ME: Yes, Grandpa is my daddy. And she (pointing to picture) was my mommy. GranE is Daddy's mommy.
A: Tell me more about her.
ME: She as very funny and silly, like us. She was a teacher just like Dawn and Michiru (Audrey's teachers). She was very smart and loved to read before bed every night. She loved to play cards. In fact, she taught me "Slap Jack" (which I incidentally taught Audrey about an hour before).
A: Tell me more.
ME: We liked to sit in her room and watch a funny show called "Love Connection" together. It was about a man and woman going on a date and then telling everyone about it. Sometime they fell in love and other times they couldn't stand each other. Mom and I laughed at it so much. Also, the host would also say, "We'll be back in 2-and-2" right before a commercial. (I showed her how he held up two fingers and flip flopped them.) My mom and I used to say "I'll be back in 2-and-2" all the time to each other. Sometimes she'd ask me to get her some ice tea and I'd say, "Sure, I'll be back in 2-and-2."
A. Tell me more.
ME: You know how you sometimes call for me at night? Well, I did the same thing, but when I was older (teens) and I needed her I'd go into her room and try to wake her up by whispering, "mom." I'd get slightly louder each time, but without fail, she always screamed when she woke up. I startled her. It was so funny, but also kind of scary.
A: Tell me more.
ME: She had four siblings- three sisters and one brother. All of their names start with a "J." Jill, Jane, Judy, Jaki, and Jerry.
A: All Js! That's funny!
The lights were out during the whole conversation and I was tearing up the entire time. What a moment.
Showing posts with label Why I Am Lucky. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Why I Am Lucky. Show all posts
3.15.2013
11.08.2012
Not moving to NOLA, but definitely moving on
So, I have successfully survived my October breakdown. In hindsight, it wasn't really that bad. It never is. Just a few bad days. But during...it was horrible. There are times when the demands of single motherhood (without close family around) just push me from the positive to the negative side of my bi-polar disorder. It's generally a 98%/2% situation, but that 2% can be pretty heavy. I can't help but wonder what life would be like with my mother around. I mean, she was a early childhood education EXPERT. For reals.
I saw my therapist last week. I only see her about twice a year. I tend to call her when things get rough, but her schedule is so tight that I usually don't get in for two weeks. By then, I am pretty well through the rough patch and back on track. She said something interesting to me though...she said these twice-a-year bouts (is that spelled right?) of depression usually lead to a fairly transformative life experience for me. Interesting.
Holla to my friends and family once again. Man, I seriously don't know how I got so lucky. My dad, sis, and group of girlfriends immediately rally and help me get back on track. They offer to babysit, bring food, etc. Thank you, my amazing friends. I love you more than I could ever say.
One last thing...I ALMOST survived this election cycle without talking politics with anyone. I avoided regular TV and social media during this election cycle because it just gets me upset. I did end of having a rather civilized exchange with my conservative BFF. I think it's safe to say we're never going to think the same way politically, but we do on so many other levels. I love you, girl. You're wrong, but I love you. Haha.
YAY for Obama!
Much love!
I saw my therapist last week. I only see her about twice a year. I tend to call her when things get rough, but her schedule is so tight that I usually don't get in for two weeks. By then, I am pretty well through the rough patch and back on track. She said something interesting to me though...she said these twice-a-year bouts (is that spelled right?) of depression usually lead to a fairly transformative life experience for me. Interesting.
Holla to my friends and family once again. Man, I seriously don't know how I got so lucky. My dad, sis, and group of girlfriends immediately rally and help me get back on track. They offer to babysit, bring food, etc. Thank you, my amazing friends. I love you more than I could ever say.
One last thing...I ALMOST survived this election cycle without talking politics with anyone. I avoided regular TV and social media during this election cycle because it just gets me upset. I did end of having a rather civilized exchange with my conservative BFF. I think it's safe to say we're never going to think the same way politically, but we do on so many other levels. I love you, girl. You're wrong, but I love you. Haha.
YAY for Obama!
Much love!
8.08.2012
7.06.2012
Audrey sillies
Blogged, so I remember them.
Today:
She announced she needed to use the restroom during dinner and asked to be excused. When I said yes, she asked me to "save her place." I did. (There are only two of us).
Audrey just put her toy phone (the old school one that you can drag- pictured below) in timeout for being too loud. They are very loud.
7.03.2012
My Girls
Had such a lovely time with these girls last weekend (we missed you, Jen!). I am going to scan some of the girls' weekends photos from when we first started getting together. We look like babies. Chubby cheeks and all :).
6.27.2012
Why me?
Seriously, why am I so lucky? This is what happened to me over the weekend:
1. My sis and bro-in-law treated Audrey and me to a night at the Great Wolf Lodge in Ohio. It is a hotel with an awesome water park. They then babysat Audrey overnight on Saturday so I could have a girls' night with my BFFs (sans Jen, unfortunately) on Saturday in Indy.
2. While I was in Ohio, Seja and Joe came into my house (they have a key) and painted my living room, dining room, and hallway while I was away. Yes, you read that right. Too amazing for words. And, it looks awesome.
3. Wendy and Alex treated us to a night at the new JW Marriott in Indy for girls' night.
Emma and Audrey getting ready to swim:
Audrey with a character from the Great Wolf Lodge:
1. My sis and bro-in-law treated Audrey and me to a night at the Great Wolf Lodge in Ohio. It is a hotel with an awesome water park. They then babysat Audrey overnight on Saturday so I could have a girls' night with my BFFs (sans Jen, unfortunately) on Saturday in Indy.
2. While I was in Ohio, Seja and Joe came into my house (they have a key) and painted my living room, dining room, and hallway while I was away. Yes, you read that right. Too amazing for words. And, it looks awesome.
3. Wendy and Alex treated us to a night at the new JW Marriott in Indy for girls' night.
Emma and Audrey getting ready to swim:
Audrey with a character from the Great Wolf Lodge:
2.07.2012
Taking a break...
Taking a blog break for the next week...headed to New Orleans to visit daddy (hers, not mine)!
We're taking Audrey to the Barkus Mardi Gras parade. How cute! And we are going to eat a whole king cake by ourselves.
We're taking Audrey to the Barkus Mardi Gras parade. How cute! And we are going to eat a whole king cake by ourselves.
1.25.2012
I'm not going to jump in front of a bus after all.
Forty-eight hours ago, I was about ready to throw myself in front of a bus. I was sick and my little one was being what can only be described as a brat. I was at a lost. What am I doing wrong? I discipline her. She does timeout. All that stuff. But I forgot. I forgot that just when you're preparing to jump in front of that bus, things miraculously do a 180. I told Audrey we needed to take a bath, which lately has been the equivalent of getting shots in her mind. Out of nowhere, she replied, "Ok, Mommy, I understand." That was followed by these:
1. While playing animal bingo last night she said, "good job, Mommy," when I won rather than Ahhhh and Noooo and Waaaa. P.S. this isn't a game you can let someone win, because I totally would have done that for my own sanity.
2. During the same game, she said, "Mommy, I like your stripes (on my shirt). And your lips." Huh???
3. This morning on the way to school, she politely asked (may I please!!!) for her favorite song, "The Snow," which is otherwise known as Coldplay's "Paradise." Out of nowhere, she says, "here's the piano." She said it when the piano kicked in!!! What??? That's not so much behavioral, but it impressed me.
4. A few minutes ago, after dinner, she asked, "may I please be excused?" Umm, yeah. And here's a bag of candy bars.
She's been a totally different child. And, in addition...
1. Today the doctor confirmed I am not dying after all.
2. I got an amazing phone call from an amazing best friend about an amazing possible opportunity.
Just remember, just when you think you're about to lose it, your 180 is probably right around the corner.
1. While playing animal bingo last night she said, "good job, Mommy," when I won rather than Ahhhh and Noooo and Waaaa. P.S. this isn't a game you can let someone win, because I totally would have done that for my own sanity.
2. During the same game, she said, "Mommy, I like your stripes (on my shirt). And your lips." Huh???
3. This morning on the way to school, she politely asked (may I please!!!) for her favorite song, "The Snow," which is otherwise known as Coldplay's "Paradise." Out of nowhere, she says, "here's the piano." She said it when the piano kicked in!!! What??? That's not so much behavioral, but it impressed me.
4. A few minutes ago, after dinner, she asked, "may I please be excused?" Umm, yeah. And here's a bag of candy bars.
She's been a totally different child. And, in addition...
1. Today the doctor confirmed I am not dying after all.
2. I got an amazing phone call from an amazing best friend about an amazing possible opportunity.
Just remember, just when you think you're about to lose it, your 180 is probably right around the corner.
1.07.2012
In loving memory...
Of my older brother, Jeff. He passed away in 1991, here in Bloomington. A few memories for today (1/6), which would be his 40th birthday:
1. I remember girls from his high school trying to get information about him from me....Does he like someone? What his favorite band? Lots of girls crushing on him.
2. Regarding #1, I do remember Jeff loved U2, REM, the Sex Pistols, and The Smiths.
3. Jeff was super smart (valedictorian) and super athletic (state champion runner and a triathlete), but he taught us that these traits pale by comparison to personality and character.
4. Once I complained to my mom about Jeff and Lisa (sis) being so smart (A+ students / me - B+ student). My mom said, "that's ok, Jackie...you're very social and that's just as important." Then she and I laughed.
5. He was a maniac on the trampoline.
6. I was mad at him once and I wanted to call him a mean name. I called him "jerky juroo" (sp??). The mean name stuck, but mainly as a joke to make fun of me.
7. The last time I saw Jeff was when he and Lisa came to Indianapolis for the last night of the 1991 World Gymnastics Championships. Mom and I had gone for the whole week and they came up from Bloomington. Best week of my life for so many reasons.
8. He and Lisa took Seja and me to see "Truth or Dare." It was a late show, and Seja and I both fell asleep.
9. He used to refer to the bump in the road between our neighborhood and the adjacent neighborhood as "the $100,000 bump." $300,000 was more like it though :).
10. He and Lisa "saved" me from falling into a 15-foot hole when we went sledding.
Many people wonder what Jeff would be doing today with all of his talents. I don't. I don't care. I just want his presence.
1. I remember girls from his high school trying to get information about him from me....Does he like someone? What his favorite band? Lots of girls crushing on him.
2. Regarding #1, I do remember Jeff loved U2, REM, the Sex Pistols, and The Smiths.
3. Jeff was super smart (valedictorian) and super athletic (state champion runner and a triathlete), but he taught us that these traits pale by comparison to personality and character.
4. Once I complained to my mom about Jeff and Lisa (sis) being so smart (A+ students / me - B+ student). My mom said, "that's ok, Jackie...you're very social and that's just as important." Then she and I laughed.
5. He was a maniac on the trampoline.
6. I was mad at him once and I wanted to call him a mean name. I called him "jerky juroo" (sp??). The mean name stuck, but mainly as a joke to make fun of me.
7. The last time I saw Jeff was when he and Lisa came to Indianapolis for the last night of the 1991 World Gymnastics Championships. Mom and I had gone for the whole week and they came up from Bloomington. Best week of my life for so many reasons.
8. He and Lisa took Seja and me to see "Truth or Dare." It was a late show, and Seja and I both fell asleep.
9. He used to refer to the bump in the road between our neighborhood and the adjacent neighborhood as "the $100,000 bump." $300,000 was more like it though :).
10. He and Lisa "saved" me from falling into a 15-foot hole when we went sledding.
Many people wonder what Jeff would be doing today with all of his talents. I don't. I don't care. I just want his presence.
12.30.2011
12.25.2011
12.21.2011
12.01.2011
On My Depression...
"You are a high functioning manic depressive" - my therapist, two years ago.
Nailed it. Totally nailed it. How on earth did it take almost 20 freaking years to know this about myself? Crawling into a hole several times a year for three or four days...and it never occurred to me that I might suffer from depression. Instead I thought:
1. I was subconsciously sad about the deaths of my mother and brother (which of course is partly true).
2. I was lazy (because I stayed in bed).
Most people don't really know this about me. Well, that's not true. Since my divorce, I have actually been very vocal about it with friends and family. And, I am pretty sure my dad, sister, Dan, and Seja probably knew in their own ways all along (it's hard to cover these things up when you live with someone). But before that, people in my life probably had no clue. I've received the following comment a zillion times: "You are always happy." The comment never bothered me; it actually made me quite proud. But being happy all of the time is not something to be proud of. In most cases, it probably means you are ignoring or suppressing the sad-mad-angry-etc side of you. That side is so important.
I began seeing a therapist six years ago when I left my career working with kids. I was distraught; I absolutely loved my work. I remember at my first session, my therapist asked me to tell her why I was there and then to give her a little background about myself (family, hobbies, etc). I didn't mention family (except for my husband), which she caught on to. She inquired and I said, "I am very close with my sister and father. My brother and mother both died when I was a teenager. But, that's NOT what I am here for." And it truly wasn't. She respected that and never brought it up again. She let me open that door when I was ready (which I did).
The pivotal point in my depression discovery was when I got pregnant. I was in utter despair. I can't explain why; I didn't know why. It was bad. My OB/GYN said that this is quite normal and she recommended a mild antidepressant. It helped. A lot. But... I truly thought it was a pregnancy thing.
Fast forward four months later (May 21 to be exact- all the bad things that have happened in my life have occurred on the 21st), I found out my husband/best friend/soulmate was gay. Whoooooooossshhhhh. That's the sound of my downward spiral. It was harder than anything in my life, but this time I was proactive- crying, therapy, medication, doctor, leaning on family and eventually friends, etc. In August, I had my darling baby girl and they doubled my medication without discussion to prevent postpartum depression / a total breakdown. My doctor told me to stay on it for 6 months and then we'd talk about waning. Before I could reach that six months though, I hit another bottom...further down.
An important side note during this part of the timeline: I was/am an avid reader of dooce.com, a blog written by the articulate, funny, honest Heather Armstrong. You've probably heard of it, as it is world famous. But if not, check it out. Anyway, I recalled reading her posts about depression. I went back and read all of them. I won't go into her whole story, but she basically gave me three things: the ability to recognize I suffer from depression, the knowledge/advice to get and use help because it exists, and you are no less of person for suffering from depression.
Back on track... They added another anti-depressant to my current one and I felt better almost immediately. It was probably partly because of the medicine, but I think it was mostly because that was the first time that I admitted to myself that I suffered from depression, that it wasn't going to go away, and that I needed help...forever.
I went to see my therapist and I remember saying, "I think I suffer from depression." She smiled and said, "you are a highly functioning manic depressive." And I smiled and said, "you're right." I instantly felt lighter.
I still have episodes, but they are fewer and less intense. I am still on the same medications and will probably never go off of them. I continue to see my therapist, but really only on a "as-needed" basis.
Ok, so I write this post for these reasons:
1. To remind myself that I will get through it
2. To document my experience for my daughter
3. To thank the people who "saved" me: my dad, my biological sister, my OB/GYN, my therapist, my boss, my crew of sisters (they know who they are), an old high school friend, Heather Armstrong, my ex-husband, my daughter, my boyfriend (wow- how lucky am I??)
That's pretty much it. I only have a handful of readers, all of whom probably know this stuff about me.
So, there it is... the depression post that I've been meaning / wanting to write for a long time.
Stay tuned for the upcoming, uplifting (ha!) "divorce post" and "my thoughts on suicide" post.
Love to all.
ps I shed many tears writing this. Happy ones.
Nailed it. Totally nailed it. How on earth did it take almost 20 freaking years to know this about myself? Crawling into a hole several times a year for three or four days...and it never occurred to me that I might suffer from depression. Instead I thought:
1. I was subconsciously sad about the deaths of my mother and brother (which of course is partly true).
2. I was lazy (because I stayed in bed).
Most people don't really know this about me. Well, that's not true. Since my divorce, I have actually been very vocal about it with friends and family. And, I am pretty sure my dad, sister, Dan, and Seja probably knew in their own ways all along (it's hard to cover these things up when you live with someone). But before that, people in my life probably had no clue. I've received the following comment a zillion times: "You are always happy." The comment never bothered me; it actually made me quite proud. But being happy all of the time is not something to be proud of. In most cases, it probably means you are ignoring or suppressing the sad-mad-angry-etc side of you. That side is so important.
I began seeing a therapist six years ago when I left my career working with kids. I was distraught; I absolutely loved my work. I remember at my first session, my therapist asked me to tell her why I was there and then to give her a little background about myself (family, hobbies, etc). I didn't mention family (except for my husband), which she caught on to. She inquired and I said, "I am very close with my sister and father. My brother and mother both died when I was a teenager. But, that's NOT what I am here for." And it truly wasn't. She respected that and never brought it up again. She let me open that door when I was ready (which I did).
The pivotal point in my depression discovery was when I got pregnant. I was in utter despair. I can't explain why; I didn't know why. It was bad. My OB/GYN said that this is quite normal and she recommended a mild antidepressant. It helped. A lot. But... I truly thought it was a pregnancy thing.
Fast forward four months later (May 21 to be exact- all the bad things that have happened in my life have occurred on the 21st), I found out my husband/best friend/soulmate was gay. Whoooooooossshhhhh. That's the sound of my downward spiral. It was harder than anything in my life, but this time I was proactive- crying, therapy, medication, doctor, leaning on family and eventually friends, etc. In August, I had my darling baby girl and they doubled my medication without discussion to prevent postpartum depression / a total breakdown. My doctor told me to stay on it for 6 months and then we'd talk about waning. Before I could reach that six months though, I hit another bottom...further down.
An important side note during this part of the timeline: I was/am an avid reader of dooce.com, a blog written by the articulate, funny, honest Heather Armstrong. You've probably heard of it, as it is world famous. But if not, check it out. Anyway, I recalled reading her posts about depression. I went back and read all of them. I won't go into her whole story, but she basically gave me three things: the ability to recognize I suffer from depression, the knowledge/advice to get and use help because it exists, and you are no less of person for suffering from depression.
Back on track... They added another anti-depressant to my current one and I felt better almost immediately. It was probably partly because of the medicine, but I think it was mostly because that was the first time that I admitted to myself that I suffered from depression, that it wasn't going to go away, and that I needed help...forever.
I went to see my therapist and I remember saying, "I think I suffer from depression." She smiled and said, "you are a highly functioning manic depressive." And I smiled and said, "you're right." I instantly felt lighter.
I still have episodes, but they are fewer and less intense. I am still on the same medications and will probably never go off of them. I continue to see my therapist, but really only on a "as-needed" basis.
Ok, so I write this post for these reasons:
1. To remind myself that I will get through it
2. To document my experience for my daughter
3. To thank the people who "saved" me: my dad, my biological sister, my OB/GYN, my therapist, my boss, my crew of sisters (they know who they are), an old high school friend, Heather Armstrong, my ex-husband, my daughter, my boyfriend (wow- how lucky am I??)
That's pretty much it. I only have a handful of readers, all of whom probably know this stuff about me.
So, there it is... the depression post that I've been meaning / wanting to write for a long time.
Stay tuned for the upcoming, uplifting (ha!) "divorce post" and "my thoughts on suicide" post.
Love to all.
ps I shed many tears writing this. Happy ones.
11.27.2011
The Why Phase
Audrey has officially entered the "why phase." I have to admit, it's more exhausting than I thought it would be and I often want to take the "because" or "because I said so" route. However, it's much more fun to go all the way in the conversation.
Just a quick one...
Audrey (after leaving Target): "Mama, where did the sun go?"
Mama: "The sun went away to let us know it's nighttime and it's time to go to bed... but in the morning, the sun will come back out and tell us to wake up and have a good day."
Audrey: "That's a good idea!"
Just a quick one...
Audrey (after leaving Target): "Mama, where did the sun go?"
Mama: "The sun went away to let us know it's nighttime and it's time to go to bed... but in the morning, the sun will come back out and tell us to wake up and have a good day."
Audrey: "That's a good idea!"
11.17.2011
My Tiny Dancer
Sorry, I absolutely hate references to this Elton John song (but it's just too fitting).
11.03.2011
Girls Got My Back
Had another amazing girls' weekend in SB with Jen, Amy, and Wendy (we missed you Seja). These girls are family and would be anything for me (and vice versa). Hopefully we'll all live in the same city someday...Golden Girls style!
Audrey's Pick Last Night
Last night I let Audrey pick a show to watch (from Netflix streaming). She picked "The Little Princess," starring Shirley Temple. How cool is that? Check out the trailer below- I love how glam and dramatic it is.
10.28.2011
10.21.2011
Enjoy Pants Halloween!!
Some of my favorite shots from our Japan trip.
These were the LEAST gross fish I saw.
(Remember, I am afraid of all things ocean related).
Underwear Store
It says, "Enjoy Pants Halloween"
Perfect Fruit. High, high, high prices.
Literally fruit for $100+. Considered closest to perfect in the world.
In remembrance of stillborn babies and miscarriages.
Hundreds of them.
Pretty. Outside the Imperial Palace.
10.06.2011
On A Brighter Note...
I leave for Japan tomorrow with my honey. I am so thrilled to see this wonderful country.
Regarding the gymnastics championships, apparently the Japanese have been the best hosts of all time. They are so grateful that the gymnastics community didn't move the Worlds to another country. They need this. They need the tourism, the support, the love.
I am still excited to the gymnastics too...even though the US team is broken. There are plenty of gymnasts I am excited to see...specifically the Japanese, who look wonderful in training.
Regarding the gymnastics championships, apparently the Japanese have been the best hosts of all time. They are so grateful that the gymnastics community didn't move the Worlds to another country. They need this. They need the tourism, the support, the love.
I am still excited to the gymnastics too...even though the US team is broken. There are plenty of gymnasts I am excited to see...specifically the Japanese, who look wonderful in training.
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