Oh, and my daughter is a prodigy!

This morning one of my daughter's teachers told me she made a snowflake and that she was very impressed by her folding ability. Her other teacher, who is Japanese, told me the same thing and said somewhat jokingly that Audrey might enjoy origami.

Mama's translation: My daughter is a genius! She's going to take the origami world by storm!

I'm not going to jump in front of a bus after all.

Forty-eight hours ago, I was about ready to throw myself in front of a bus. I was sick and my little one was being what can only be described as a brat. I was at a lost. What am I doing wrong? I discipline her. She does timeout. All that stuff. But I forgot. I forgot that just when you're preparing to jump in front of that bus, things miraculously do a 180. I told Audrey we needed to take a bath, which lately has been the equivalent of getting shots in her mind. Out of nowhere, she replied, "Ok, Mommy, I understand." That was followed by these:

1. While playing animal bingo last night she said, "good job, Mommy," when I won rather than Ahhhh and Noooo and Waaaa. P.S. this isn't a game you can let someone win, because I totally would have done that for my own sanity.

2. During the same game, she said, "Mommy, I like your stripes (on my shirt). And your lips." Huh???

3. This morning on the way to school, she politely asked (may I please!!!) for her favorite song, "The Snow," which is otherwise known as Coldplay's "Paradise." Out of nowhere, she says, "here's the piano." She said it when the piano kicked in!!! What??? That's not so much behavioral, but it impressed me.

4. A few minutes ago, after dinner, she asked, "may I please be excused?" Umm, yeah. And here's a bag of candy bars.

She's been a totally different child. And, in addition...

1. Today the doctor confirmed I am not dying after all.

2. I got an amazing phone call from an amazing best friend about an amazing possible opportunity.

Just remember, just when you think you're about to lose it, your 180 is probably right around the corner.



I never thought I'd be immune to it...until I met my husband. Soulmates, completely in love with each other, best friends. I cannot begin to explain in words the love I had for Dan. Pure bliss. Dan was always on my side. I grieve that feeling every day of my life.

I react to people's inquiries about my divorce in the same way I react to the inquiries of my brother's death. When I'm feeling brave and honest, I just come out and say it: my ex-husband is gay and my brother committed suicide. You don't have to ask the questions that are in your mind. I have the same questions. And like you, I don't have the answers. Didn't you know? Did you notice in your intimate life? Was your brother depressed? He seemed so together, why did he do it? The answers are always the same: no and I don't know. The answers will never change...although I don't mind people asking like I used to when I would be embarrassed to answer. These days I don't have the energy to be embarrassed and I refuse to taint my wonderful memories by being embarrassed.

I truly don't believe love like the love I had with Dan exists for me in the future. It's impossible. It's not that I'm cynical or a nonbeliever (which often times I am). It's just that I know I will never be in that place in my life again...so much hope, such delight in becoming myself with someone I love at my side, loving so much it hurt. Dan will always be my soulmate. There may be another, there may not. If there's one thing I know, it's that you have no idea what your future holds.


In loving memory...

Of my older brother, Jeff. He passed away in 1991, here in Bloomington. A few memories for today (1/6), which would be his 40th birthday:

1. I remember girls from his high school trying to get information about him from me....Does he like someone? What his favorite band? Lots of girls crushing on him.

2. Regarding #1, I do remember Jeff loved U2, REM, the Sex Pistols, and The Smiths.

3. Jeff was super smart (valedictorian) and super athletic (state champion runner and a triathlete), but he taught us that these traits pale by comparison to personality and character.

4. Once I complained to my mom about Jeff and Lisa (sis) being so smart (A+ students / me - B+ student). My mom said, "that's ok, Jackie...you're very social and that's just as important." Then she and I laughed.

5. He was a maniac on the trampoline.

6. I was mad at him once and I wanted to call him a mean name. I called him "jerky juroo" (sp??). The mean name stuck, but mainly as a joke to make fun of me.

7. The last time I saw Jeff was when he and Lisa came to Indianapolis for the last night of the 1991 World Gymnastics Championships. Mom and I had gone for the whole week and they came up from Bloomington. Best week of my life for so many reasons.

8. He and Lisa took Seja and me to see "Truth or Dare." It was a late show, and Seja and I both fell asleep.

9. He used to refer to the bump in the road between our neighborhood and the adjacent neighborhood as "the $100,000 bump." $300,000 was more like it though :).

10. He and Lisa "saved" me from falling into a 15-foot hole when we went sledding.

Many people wonder what Jeff would be doing today with all of his talents. I don't. I don't care. I just want his presence.


pointless / unnecessary tidbit about dresses

I was wasn't really a "girly girl" when I was a child, but I had my phases. One phase was when I lived in Salt Lake City and the neighbor girls did beauty pageants. I begged my mom to let me do them too, but she wouldn't let me (thankfully). I dreamed of wearing a drop-waist dress and ballet flats like Pollyanna wore. Unfortunately, I couldn't find a full-length photo, but this is the gist:

Audrey loves to wear dresses. I would love to buy her the below drop-waist dresses. They are too cute. However, they are $$$ and there is no way I'm spending more than $10 on a dress for a three-year-old.

ps Something about the term "girly-girl" rubs me the wrong way. What does it even mean? What makes a girl girly? I looked it up here. Interesting.

Destination: Iceland

Just a few reasons I must go to Iceland...

Northern Lights

Gullfoss / Golden Falls

The Church of Hallgrimur

The Blue Lagoon

Resident Badass: Bjork

Her old band, The Sugarcubes

Sigur Ros 
(one of my fav songs ever: "Staralfur" / not official vid)

Johanna Siguroardotti:
Kickass female prime minister
Advocate for women's equality
First openly gay head of state

And, of course: these images in Bon Iver's "Holocene" vid

Happy New Year!

Happy 2012! I hereby predict the world will NOT end in 2012. I keep predicting the non-ending of the world and I never seem to get any credit for it.